Snape's Surprise Holiday
by Steakan
Summary: PG for a bad word. Tis a bit o'fun set in the summer hols after GOF. Please, read and review, even if its to tell me thatyou hated it. Please?
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own it. My name is not J.K. If you sue me, you will be awarded my only possessions: some lint and jellybeans from Easter. Definitely not worthwhile. Also, I do not own Le Manoir Richeleiu. It is a beautiful resort in Canada.  
  
A/N: I wrote this when I was exceedingly bored, during a college visit today. It came to me in a dream…well, the Snape falling into a pool at the resort did. Anyways, this is the product of a bored, tired mind. If you don't like it – feel free to flame! Read, Review, you know the drill!  
  
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"He's where?" Professor Severus Snape stood outside the Hogwarts Headmasters' office with an incredulous look on his face.  
  
Professor Minerva McGonagall sighed. "I know. I warned him that this was not a good idea, but you know Albus. When he gets an idea into his head, nothing and no one can dissuade him." She shrugged. "You and I are in complete agreement on this one, Severus."  
  
Snape shook his head in disbelief. "I have to see him. You know what its about. This information – it is absolutely imperative that it gets to the Headmaster."  
  
"Go find him. Like I said, he's at the Muggle resort Le Manoir Richeleiu, located in Quebec, Canada. You'll have to go incognito, of course."  
  
Snape grimaced. This thought that obviously not occurred to him. "Le Manoir Richeleiu," he repeated. McGonagall nodded. "All right," he said, defeated. "I shall return to speak to the rest of the staff about Voldemort's plans, even if Albus will not."  
  
The Transfiguration professor laid a hand on the shoulder of the much taller man in front of her. She smiled; she could remember Severus Snape as a student at Hogwarts, and now he was a professor himself. Her smile faded slightly as she recalled the risks that he daily took to ensure her safety, indeed, the safety of the whole world. "Do be careful, won't you Severus?" McGonagall did worry about him, in fact, more than she ever let on.  
  
Snape looked down, and pushed his long hair out of his eyes. "Thanks, Minerva. I will." And he strode off down the hall to his chambers. He had to dress like a Muggle.  
  
*~*  
  
About an hour later, Snape surveyed himself in front of his mirror. He was moderately pleased with what he saw, and thought that he could pass for a Muggle very well. He was wearing a black button-down shirt, with the first few buttons undone, showing a bit of smooth, pale chest. He was wearing black pants that apparently Muggles called Dockers, and Birkenstock sandals. He had pulled his black hair back in a low ponytail to keep it out of his eyes, and he wore dark sunglasses. The mirror spluttered, and Snape grinned. He strode from the room, and went off to apparate.  
  
He apparated into a field outside of the resort. Snape picked himself up from the grassy ground, dusted himself off, and set off in the direction of the resort. Before long, he came to a gate, which apparently required some sort of key, or card. Snape could not figure out which. He shrugged, and decided to wait until someone came out so that he could get in.  
  
*~*  
  
Hermione Granger sighed, and slid into the hot water of the outdoor hot tub. She was on holiday from school, and as her parents were Muggles, they had had to travel in the Muggle fashion: an airplane. Hermione hated airplanes. They had just arrived at the resort they were staying at for two weeks, and when she had reached her room, she had immediately slipped on her bikini and headed to the hot tub. Hermione sighed and looked around her. Le Manoir Richeleiu, she reflected: swank. She closed her eyes, and just focused on the sensations of the hot water against her bare skin. Just then, she heard a familiar voice behind her. "Hermione?"  
  
She opened her eyes and turned around. "Lavender?" Lavender Brown smiled down at her fellow Gryffindor classmate.  
  
"Hey! What are you doing here?"  
  
Hermione shrugged. "My parents are Muggles, and they have always loved this place. They go every year, but this is the first time they have ever taken me along with them. How about you?"  
  
Lavender smiled. "My uncle, aunt, and cousins are Muggles, and I'm along on their holiday to watch the children, so that the adults can get some privacy. I'm on break now, so I thought I'd come down to the hot tub." She ditched her robe, and slid into the water next to Hermione.  
  
Snape had been watching the scene with interest, aware that the two girls looked familiar to him. Suddenly it hit him: Hermione Granger, know it all, and Lavender Brown, boy-crazy ditz with no substance! What were they wearing? he wondered. Or more apropos, he wondered what they weren't wearing!  
  
As Snape was pondering these thoughts, Lavender glanced at her professor. She giggled. "What?" asked Hermione curiously.  
  
"Don't look over," Lavender whispered, "but there is a tall, extremely handsome man standing at the gate, watching us."  
  
Hermione shook her head, and disobeyed the order, and looked over at Snape. She failed to recognize him either. "Well, Lavender, I don't know if I'll ever say this again, but I agree with you, he's really good- looking. Perhaps he's forgotten his key-card," she pondered.  
  
Snape looked at his watch. He needed to see Albus and he needed to see him now. He really couldn't wait anymore for someone to open the door for him, so he glanced furtively around him. No one was around, except Miss Granger and Miss Brown, and he immediately dismissed them and their scantily-clothed bodies from his thoughts, so he whipped out his wand (A/N: No! Not that wand…*snicker*) and muttered a quick spell: Alohomora. The gate swung open, and he walked in.  
  
Lavender giggled madly, and Snape mentally rolled his eyes. He turned his head, opened his mouth to utter a crushing retort, but he failed to see Lavender's bathrobe lying forgotten on the ground. He tripped, and staggered slightly to the left, and toppled sideways into the hot tub. The girls screamed as the tall stranger fell in, was submerged in the hot water, and resurfaced dripping wet, his black eyes glinting dangerously at them. Hermione grabbed Lavender's arm painfully. How could she not have seen it before? His hair had deserted its ponytail when he fell into the water, and with him glaring at them, he was so much more recognizable. Hermione glanced at Lavender, and saw an identical look of horror on her face.  
  
"Well, well," he sneered. "If it isn't Miss Granger and Miss Brown."  
  
"P-p-professor Snape!" gasped Lavender. Hermione pinched the bridge of her nose, closed her eyes, and wished that he would just disappear.  
  
Snape opened his mouth to say something else, but he was interrupted by a familiar voice. "Is this a school gathering that I was unaware of?" Dumbledore asked, a twinkle in his eye.  
  
"Apparently," answered Snape dryly. "Albus, I have got to speak to you. Now."  
  
"Can it wait?" asked Dumbledore disinterestedly, and he dropped the towel and slid into the hot tub.  
  
"Please, put that back on Albus," moaned Snape, covering his eyes with one hand. But Dumbledore just laughed, and settled into the hot waters.  
  
Lavender and Hermione, by this time, were completely speechless. They had suffered enough for one day, what with thinking that Snape was hot, and seeing Dumbledore in a Speedo. It was all just too much. Lavender was babbling incoherently.  
  
Snape shot Hermione an annoyed look. "Can't you shut up her up, Miss Granger?" he asked, but it was not really a request.  
  
Hermione gulped. "Come on, Lavender, shut up. Please…" But none of her entreaties would work, and she saw Snape becoming more and more irritated, so she excused herself and led her classmate from the hot tub.  
  
"Praise be to whatever gods there may be," breathed Snape when they were gone. "I would have used an Unforgivable in about 3.2 seconds more of that crap."  
  
"What did you want to tell me, Severus?" asked Dumbledore, ignoring his other comments regarding the Gryffindor students.  
  
"It's about Voldemort, Albus. By the way, shouldn't you be at Hogwarts? If Voldemort finds out that you are at a Muggle resort, completely unprotected, there's no telling what he'll do. And at the cost of so many innocent lives," he added.  
  
Dumbledore smiled at the Potions master. "I'm not going to limit my life because of Lord Voldemort," he said. Then, referring to the Potions master's state of clothing: "Wouldn't you be more comfortable in something else?" And before he could respond, Dumbledore transfigured Snape's wet clothes into a bathing suit, a thankfully more modest one than the one that the Headmaster was wearing. Snape rolled his eyes, aware that it was useless to argue with Dumbledore when he had his mind made up, and muttered a spell. A margarita appeared in his left hand.  
  
"I might as well make the best of this situation," he sighed, taking a sip of his drink.  
  
"That's the spirit," Dumbledore responded.  
  
Inside, watching from a bay window, Lavender and Hermione laughed until they choked. 


	2. Voldemort's Eeevil Plans

A/N: Hehehe. Well, I hadn't actually planned on continuing this fic, but hey – I get bored easily. Wrote this chappie backstage at play practice. Props to stage crew! I upped the rating for Sevvie's dirty mind and Hermie's dirty mouth.  
  
Chapter Two  
  
Hermione took out her key card, and inserted it into the little lock- thing on her door. She never knew what to call them. She watched, patiently, as the green light flashed, and then she turned the handle and stepped into her room. Her parents had allowed her to get her own room, no doubt out of the desire to get rid of her than to make her happy. Still, for whatever reason they had allowed this, she reflected, she was eternally grateful.  
  
Hermione went directly to her small carryon bag that she had taken on the plane with her and removed her discman and CDs. She also removed a small container of scented bath beads. She grabbed a towel and a fluffy bathrobe, pulled her hair back into a high ponytail, and headed into the bathroom. She ran the warm water into the bathtub, and dropped in one of the lavender scented beads. Immediately the lovely scent of lavender flowers filled the air. Hermione inhaled deeply, relishing the scent. She shed her clothes, put a CD into the discman, put on her headphones, and slid into the hot water.  
  
Hermione sighed as the feeling of the hot water caressing her body overtook her. She loved to take baths, but she rarely had time. She smiled; it was a summer hols treat for her! Hermione could feel herself drifting off to dreamland…she decided not to force herself to stay awake, and promptly fell asleep.  
  
She would regret that decision immensely later. She had the oddest dream…  
  
~ Hermione was sitting in the spa inside Le Manoir Richeleiu's ground floor, getting a manicure and pedicure. She had picked a lovely rose shade for her toes, and the manicurist was just beginning to paint her toes that heavenly hue. Hermione glanced left slightly, and immediately did a double take. She saw Snape sitting in the chair next to her, having a pedicure. He was getting black painted on his extremely large feet (A/N: Hey, you know what they say about guys with large feet…okay, never mind…), which was no surprise considering his attire. At that moment he was wearing black jeans and a black tee shirt, completely in-character. He looked at her.  
  
"Good morning, Miss Granger," he said pleasantly.  
  
"Professor Snape…" she started, unable to continue.  
  
Suddenly the oddest things began to happen. Suddenly his clothes disappeared, and he was wearing nothing but a Speedo. Dumbledore's Speedo. Hermione screamed.  
  
"Miss Granger, stop screaming and open the door," he said sharply, sounding much more like his old self.  
  
She paused. Open the door? What could he mean by that?  
  
"Open. The. Bloody. Door," he repeated. ~  
  
Hermione sat up in the tub with a start. She could hear a silky, sarcastic voice through the low music playing through her headphones. "Open the door, Miss Granger," it said, "Or I shall be forced to break it open with brute force."  
  
Hermione got out of the tub quickly, and wrapped the bathrobe around her body. She ran a comb through her disheveled hair, tried to stop thinking about the disquieting, although not completely bad, thought of Snape in a Speedo, and answered the door.  
  
Snape stood, his arms folded across his broad chest, considering the Granger girl. Not a bad body. No, he thought, not a bad body at all, as he eyed her breasts through the fluffy bathrobe she wore. She was curvy in all the right places, he reflected, and was just the right height for him, reaching only slightly below his shoulders. And after all, he thought, he was a very tall man, and so –  
  
"Professor?" she interrupted his thoughts. "What do you want?"  
  
He pursed his lips. "May I come in? It is not for hall conversation."  
  
Hermione hesitated. Should she? Was it appropriate? In the end, she threw caution to the wind, and stepped back so that he could enter her room. She threw a hand carelessly in the direction of the couch, and he sat. Meanwhile, she pulled up a chair.  
  
He got straight to the point. "Lord Voldemort is planning a stiff new offensive. I don't wish to shock you, Miss Granger, but it cannot be helped, I'm afraid. He is planning to use" he shuddered slightly "dancing squirrels."  
  
Hermione could not help it. She laughed out loud. "Dancing squirrels?" she repeated. "You're not serious?"  
  
"I assume by your laugh that you have never seen dancing squirrels before," he spoke dryly.  
  
She shook her head. "But how dangerous could they be?" she asked. "I mean really. You are a trained, powerful wizard, and you cannot handle dancing squirrels."  
  
"Miss Granger – I suppose the reason that you do not understand the power of dancing squirrels is that you are a Mu – Muggle-born." Snape realized his mistake as soon as he had finished speaking. She jumped up from her seat, her eyes flashing.  
  
"Professor Snape, if you think that there is anything that I cannot understand, you obviously have not bothered to observe anything about me during the four years that you have had me in your class."  
  
"Divination," he replied carelessly, inspecting his fingernails.  
  
She calmed down slightly. "What?"  
  
"I know that you quit divination, in your third year."  
  
"How?" she questioned.  
  
"I know a great deal more than you think I do, Miss Granger," he replied cryptically. "Be at the outdoor hot tub at midnight, and do wear clothing, please." He then disapparated.  
  
Hermione pondered his words, wondering what they could possibly mean. Eventually, she just shrugged, and told herself that she would find out at midnight tonight. In the meantime, she decided to dress and go see Dumbledore; why on earth did Snape know that she had quit divination?  
  
*~*  
  
"Professor Dumbledore?" Hermione called, knocking on the door of room number 420. "It's Hermione Granger. May I come in?"  
  
After a few moments, Dumbledore came to the door, and let the Gryffindor girl in. He was wearing Bermuda shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. "What can I do for you, Miss Granger?" he asked pleasantly.  
  
"Well sir – this involves Professor Snape. I was sort of wondering…"  
  
Dumbledore's face grew dark. "Come in," he ordered, and opened the door wide for her.  
  
She entered quickly, and sat in the chair that he indicated. He remained standing and began to speak. "Professor Snape has possibly been to see you about…dancing squirrels?"  
  
"Yes, but how did you - "  
  
"Never mind," he replied quickly. "The implications of dancing squirrels, whether the squirrels enjoy dancing or are under the Imperio, is quite grave. Now, very few people can withstand the hell of dancing squirrels. It just looks odd, you know." He shuddered fiercely. "But there are a select few who, for one reason or another, simply are not affected by these monstrosities. Professor Snape is one of them. You, my dear, are another."  
  
"What?" she asked, completely confused. "You're off your rocker."  
  
Dumbledore sighed. He took out his wand, and said a quick spell. Instantly, dancing squirrels filled the air. Hermione glanced at the Headmaster, and saw that he was on the floor, his eyes shut tight and his hands over his ears, rocking slowly back and forth. Hermione looked back at the dancing squirrels, unaffected. She sighed, took out her wand, and muttered, "Finite Incantatem." The dancing squirrels disappeared with a small pop. Dumbledore opened one eye cautiously. He sighed in relief, and picked himself up from the floor.  
  
"You and the Potions master will be working together. I presume that you were told to meet him somewhere tonight?" At her affirmative answer, he continued to speak. "Good. Please keep the appointment. Now if you will excuse me, my dear, I am late for my foot massage."  
  
"Wait, Professor…Snape knew that I had quit divination back in my third year. How and why did he know that?"  
  
Dumbledore turned, and smiled gently. "That, my dear, is a question for you to ask Professor Snape himself." He turned, and walked out of the door. Hermione, slightly stunned, followed only seconds later.  
  
*~*  
  
Hermione checked her watch for what seemed like the eightieth time. 11:48. She shrugged; she was tired of sitting around waiting for midnight. Perhaps she should just go now. She got up off the bed and left the room.  
  
Hermione looked outside quickly before she stepped into the area where the hot tub was located. She saw a figure already standing by the tub. It was a man, a tall man dressed in all black, tapping his foot impatiently. She grinned for a moment, and then called out: "Professor Snape?"  
  
He did not even flinch. "Miss Granger. Early, I see. Very good. Come here."  
  
Hermione walked over to him. He grabbed her arm, holding it tightly, and apparated before Hermione could say "What in hell are you doing?"  
  
They appeared in a small clearing in a forest. He looked anxiously at her, to make sure she was all right, and ascertaining that she was, he began to walk. "Hey!" Hermione hissed. "Where the fuck are we going?"  
  
Snape did not even turn around. "Language, Miss Granger."  
  
Hermione sighed, and ran to catch up with the Potions master. After walking for about twenty minutes, he stopped and sat down on a log, and motioned for Hermione to do the same. When she did, he began to explain his dangerous plan. 


End file.
